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IBM Certified Confused - Tivoli framework and MQSeries
IBM Certified Flabbergasted -- TEC
In the whole world there is two huge, slow-moving, ultra-conservative, monolithic bureaucraces which has recently been forced by external circumstances to open up a little bit ...and the other is Russia.
M'wana Ndeti, a member of Zaire's Bantu tribe, used an IBM global uplink network modem yesterday to crush a nut.
Ndeti, who spent 20 minutes trying to open the nut by hand, easily cracked it open by smashing it repeatedly with the powerful modem.
"I could not crush the nut by myself," said the 47-year-old Ndeti, who added the savory nut to a thick, peanut-based soup minutes later. "With IBM's help, I was able to break it." Ndeti discovered the nut-breaking, 28.8 V.34 modem yesterday, when IBM was shooting a commercial in his southwestern Zaire village. During a break in shooting, which shows African villagers eagerly teleconferencing via computer with Japanese school children, Ndeti snuck onto the set and took the modem, which he believed would serve well as a "smashing" utensil.
IBM officials were not surprised the longtime computer giant was able to provide Ndeti with practical solutions to his everyday problems. "Our telecommunications systems offer people all over the world global networking solutions that fit their specific needs," said Herbert Ross, IBM's director of marketing. "Whether you're a nun cloistered in an Italian abbey or an Aborigine in Australia's Great Sandy Desert, IBM has the ideas to get you where you want to go today."
According to Ndeti, of the modem's many powerful features, most impressive was its hard plastic casing, which easily sustained several minutes of vigorous pounding against a large stone. "I put the nut on a rock, and I hit it with the modem," Ndeti said. "The modem did not break. It is a good modem."
Ndeti was so impressed with the modem that he purchased a new, state-of-the-art IBM workstation, complete with a PowerPC 601 microprocessor, a quad-speed internal CD-ROM drive and three 16-bit ethernet networking connectors. The tribesman has already made good use of the computer system, fashioning a gazelle trap out of its wires, a boat anchor out of the monitor and a crude but effective weapon from its mouse.
"This is a good computer," said Ndeti, carving up a just-captured gazelle with the computer's flat, sharp internal processing device. "I am using every part of it. I will cook this gazelle on the keyboard." Hours later, Ndeti capped off his delicious gazelle dinner by smoking the computer's 200-page owner's manual.
IBM spokespeople praised Ndeti's choice of computers. "We are pleased that the Bantu people are turning to IBM for their business needs," said company CEO William Allaire. "From Kansas City to Kinshasa, IBM is bringing the world closer together. Our cutting-edge technology is truly creating a global village."
Three Microsoft software engineers and three IBM software engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three IBM software engineers each buy tickets and watch as the three Microsoft software engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?' asks one of the IBM programmers.
"Watch and you'll see," answers the Microsoft programmer.
They all board the train. The IBM software engineers take their respective seats but all three Microsoft software engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The IBM software engineers witness all this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the IBMers decide to copy the Microsofties on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Microsoft programmers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one of the perplexed IBM employees.
"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the Microsoft programmers.
When they board the train the three IBM programmers cram into the first restroom they can. The three Microsoft programmers pile into another one nearby. Shortly thereafter, the train leaves the station.
After a brief interval, one of the Microsoft software engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the IBM programmers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please..."
PROPOSED ADDITIONS TO THE IBM INSTRUCTION SET IBM Intrepid Use Only
IBM Model 3090/69 Features & Assembler Language CommandsAAAH Add And Automatically Halt AARTZ Add And Reset To Zero ABC Abdicate Basic Compiler ACM Automatically Clear Memory ADN Ad Nauseam ADN Add Naseum AIM Add Improper BAH Branch And Hang BBBAB Bite Baudy Bit And Branch BBC Branch Before Compare BBT Branch on Binary Tree BBW Branch Both Ways BCEGR Branch on CE Ground BEW Branch Either Way BH Branch and Hang BKCRDR Backspace Card Reader BKSPD Backspace Disk BKTPR Break Tape Reverse BLMNF BLow MaiN Fuse BLPIN Branch and LooP INdefinite BMR Branch Multiple Registers BNEV Branch NEVer BOB Branch On Bug BOBI Branch On Blinking Indicator BOBOI Branch On Burned-Out Indicator BOC Branch OCcasionally BOCBF Branch On Chip-Box Full BOD Beat On Drum BOI Byte Operator Immediately BOPLT Burn Out Pilot LighTs BOPO Branch On Power Off BOSO Branch On Sleepy Operator BOV Burn Out Vdu BOXMS Branch On Index Missing BPDI Be Polite, Don't Interrupt BPE Bypass Program Error BPECK ByPass Error ChecK BPO Branch on Power Off BRPCB BuRP and Clear Bytes BRST BRanch SomeTimes BSCH Burst Select CHannel BST Backspace and Stretch Tape BYCRE BYpass CoRE BYTRN BYTe and RuN CBS Crash Bothersome Source-code CCS Chinese Character Set CDHI Crash Disk Head Immediate CEMU Close Eyes and Monkey with User space CIRM Circulate Memory CLBR CLobber ReGister CLBRI CLobber ReGister Immediately CM Circulate Memory CMBG Create Machine Bug CNFM Confuse Memory CNFOP Confuse Operator CPPR Crumple Printer Paper and Rip CRB CRash and Burn CRDT CReate Data CTRNS Convert To Roman Numerals CU Convert to Unary CVUME Cover Up Machine Errors CZZC Convert Zone to Zip Code DABCM Digit And Branch Converter Modifier DAC Divide And Conquer DAMIT Transfer Control to Perdition DAO Divide And Overflow DC divide and conquer DCTCB Dump Core To Chad Box DDMWH Dump Dim Map of Western Hemisphere DESSPK Destroy Storage Protect Key DEVIA Develop Ineffective Address DITCK Drop Into Check DLTCR Delete Core DMC Destroy Memory Chip DMNS Do what I Mean, Not what I Say DMPK Destroy Memory Protect Key DNPG Do Not Pass Go DO Divide and Overflow DRPBTS Drop Bits DSTME Destroy Memory ECL Early Card Lace EDPMAB Electrocute DP Manager And Branch EIOC Execute Invalid OpCode EJCAB Eject Chad Box EJD Eject Disk EMPC EMulate Pocket Calculator EMU407 407 Emulation EPE Execute Program Error EPI Execute Programmer Immediately EPMAS Erase Protected Memory Areas ERCDP Erase Card Punch ERCDS Erase Cards EROS Erase Read-Only Storage ERPTW Erase Print Wheel ERROS Erase Read Only Storage ESTOP Emergency STOP ** RESIST ALL EFFORTS TO RESTART ** ETCRD Eat Card EXIOC Execute Invalid Op Code EXOP Execute Operator EXPP EXecute Political Prisoner FDCDJ Feed Card and Jam FSKPRW Forms Skip and Run Away GFD Go Forth and Divide GFM Go Forth and Multiply GLPSB Gulp and Store Bytes GPAER Generate Parity Error HCF Halt and Catch Fire ** PRIVILEGED OPERATION ** HCFC Branch Before Compare HCFR Halt and Catch FiRe ** PRIVILEGED OPERATION ** HDLF Hurl Disc Like Frisbee IAI Inquire And Ignore IBP Insert Bug and Proceed IFKTR Initiate Fake-out Routine IGSPC Ignore Supervisor Call IIAH Ignore Interrupt And Hang IIB Ignore Inquiry and Branch IKC Ignore Keyboard and Crash ILLAND Illogical AND ILLOR Illogical OR ILPS Invert Logical Power Supply INC1401 1401 INCompatibility INVRB Invert Record and Branch IOCSM Input/Output Conversely Synchronized to Matrix ITLKC Interlock Core JMKYP Jam Keypunches JMPNC Punch JRA Jump to Random Address JSRLR Jump to SubRoutine and Lose return Address LCC Load and Clear Core LGOWY Load and Go Away LMBR Lose Message and Branch LPCON Loop Continuous LUPGA Loop Until Programmer Goes Away (in desperation) MBF Multiply and Be Fruitful MDRBT Move and Drop Bits MKTIV Make Tape Invalid MLR Move and Lose Record MVCON Move Continuous MVLR Move and Lose Record MVWRC Move and Wrap Core NBC Negate By Clearing OOOH Or Only On Half-hours PBC Print and Break Chain PBS Pop Before Stacking PCHD Punch Disk PCHOP Punch Operator PD Play Dead PDKBN Punch Disk Binary PDOSI Play Des O'Connor Song Immediate PDSK Punch Disk PINV Punch Invalid POF Print On Fly POPI Punch OPerator Immediately PRANB Pick up Random Bits PRSMR Print and Smear PS* Punch obscenity PSD Pause and Smoke Dope PSP Print and Shred Paper PVLC Punch Variable Length Card RBAFG Read Binary And Forget RCDRD Rewind Card Reader RCDSCD Read Card and Scramble Data RCTKG Read Count Key and Garbage RD Reverse Directions RDBGG Random Bug Generator ** SPECIAL FEATURE ** RDBR Read Bad Record RDCBX Read Chad Box RDCHS Read Chaos RDIOST Read-In Only Storage ** SPECIAL FEATURE ** RDIRG Read Inter Record Gap RDNOR Read Noise Record RDS ReaD Sideways REDTH Reduce Throughput REIMT Reinitialize Meter REPAB Reverse Parity And Branch REWFR Rewind Forward RINV Read Invalid RIODNR Rotate Input/Output Device Numbers Randomly RIRG Read Inter-Record Gap RNR Rather Not Run ROLPR Rewind On-Line Printer RPBL Read Print and Blush RPI Reverse Priority of Interrupts RPLT Read from Plotter RPM Read Programmer's Mind RPTR Read from Printer RRR Rotate Right Randomly RSC Read and Shred Card RSD on Read error Self Destruct RSPP Randomly Shred Printer Paper RSTOM Read from STore-Only Memory RVDOD Reverse Drum Or Disk RVDRI Reverse Drum Immediate RWBKT Rewind and Break Tape RWCR Rewind Card Reader RWDSK Rewind Disk RWTOD Rewind Tape Onto Disk RWWRT Read and Write While Ripping Tape SADP Stop And Demand Payrise SARTZ Subtract And Reset To Zero SCCHS Scramble Channels SCDTA Scatter Data SCMRY Scatter Memory SCPR Scatter Print SCPSW Scatter Program Status Word SDI Scratch Disc Immediate SHAB SHift A Bit SHLBM SHift a Little Bit More SHLPN SHarpen Light PeNcil SKRSD Seek Record and Scar Disk SLD Slip Disk SMR Skip on Meaningless Result SMTACS Shift Manual To Automatic and Check Stop SOSAJ Select Output Stacker And Jam SOT Sit On a Tack SPRDK Shuffle Program Deck SPSW Scramble Program Status Word SPT Scramble Protected Tapes SQPC Sit Quietly and Play with your Crayons SRSD Seek Record and Scar Disk SRZ Subtract and Reset to Zero SSJ Select Stacker and Jam SST Stop and Stretch Tape STAB Switch To Alternate Bedlam STDR Stop and Demand a Rest STROM STore in Read-Only Memory STSLD Stacker Select Disk STTPB Stretch Tape Binary STUP Stacker Upset TADBT Transfer And Drop Bits TCLSR Transfer Control and Lose Return TCTDK Transfer Control To Disk TCTOL Transfer Control To Overhead Lights TCTPL Transfer Control To Pilot Lights TCTWS Transfer Control To Wall Socket TDB Transfer and Drop Bits TMTDK Transfer Monitor To Disk TPDEC Triple Pack Decimal TRAHG Transfer And Hang TRDB Transfer And Drop Bits TRSCH Trap Secretary and Halt UER Update and Erase Record UINDA Use Inverse Digital Array UNCPB Uncouple CPUs and Branch UPERR Update and Erase Record UPTR Update Transaction WBI Water BInary tree WCDR Write CD-ROM WCTKG Write Count Key and Garbage WEMG Write Eighteen Minute Gap WMTAE Write Memory , Transfer, And Erase WNOSR Write Noise Record WPM Write Programmer's Mind WRR Write Random Record WWRLR Write Wrong Length Record XMAS eXclusive OR Main Areas of Storage XSP eXecute Systems Programmer ZIPCD Address of Memory . Zip Code = 85281 ZIPEX Address by Nine-Digit Zipcode And Remember --- "On A Clear Disk You Can Seek Forever."
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